i dont tend to blog much anymore. but perhaps this can be a therapy of sorts. a way to release the big picture in words. words that not everyone may understand. but words for myself. and maybe others. hard to say really.

i think i tend to reflect alot sometimes. in phases i think. but theres always something that sparks the thought process. i think about the growth that has lead to distance. the passion that has led to me being quite alone, with perhaps a couple people at my side. no one really gets it.

its not a abandoning but rather a distancing that has happened due to various reasons.

i find myself sitting back.


lost among the happy faces. all connected to each other. something i kind of had. but i pushed. pushed for more. i dont think i got it in any of the right places.

today it stung. stung real bad. ive been trying to brush it off all afternoon. but i don't think this one is going away without a long nights rest.

i think of how to fight back. how to stop from doing things to give a taste of my contribution. perhaps a desparate plea for recognition of some sort. the only thing my efforts have brought is requests for more.

my kids are my heart. its all i truely have left. along with worship. where is the fellowship. the support i longed so hard to build when i started it all. i think i lost it somewhere.


alone i am. in the woods maybe. with no place really to run.